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Gary Nabhan Listens as Two Fruits Testify at the Impeachment Hearings

Adam Schiff: Today we will hear from two fruit trees who happened to be in the Ukraine at the time of the back channel visits there by Rudy Guliani. Before we begin with some substance, do you have any fluff to add to todays presentations, Mr. Nuñes?

Devin Nuñes: Oh, here we go with Adam Schiff ’s Storytime of events that did not happen. There is no Ukraine. In fact, there is no Russia. There is no back channel. I have 480 TV channels on my flip phone and none of them are called The Back Channel.

Adam Schiff: Thank you Mr. Nuñes for putting the meringue on today’s pie. Now let us hear from the first visitor. Good morning. What is your full name?

Peach tree: Prunus armeniaca, sir.

Adam Schiff: So you are originally from Armenia?

Peach tree: My family was originally from there, but I’ve spent my entire life in Crimea, a province of the Ukraine.

Devin Nuñes: Objections! According to the map on my flip phone, Crimea is in Russia!

Peach tree: Well, that is not quite right, see… Crimea was part of the former USSR, but it has always been part of U…

Devin Nuñes: Objections! I insist we dismiss this testimony. THE SPEAKER IS OBVIOUSLY BIASED!

Adam Schiff: On what grounds do you claim that?

Devin Nuñes: It is very clear that he favors imPEACHment.

Adam Schiff: Very well, then. Next testimony, please?

Apricot tree: Good morning, my name is Prunus persica.

Devin Nuñes: Excuse me, what does persica mean?

Apricot tree: The word persica means from Persia.

Devin Nuñes: Where is Persia? It is not on my flip phone map.

Apricot tree: Persia is the old name for Iran.

Devin Nuñes: Objections! I will not stand for a testimony from any of our Arab-speaking enemies in Iran.

Apricot tree: Excuse me, we do not speak Arabic, we speak Farsi.

Devin Nuñes: This is exactly why we need to band together with the Russians: to keep the menace from the Global South from taking over the North!

Adam Schiff: Excuse me, Mr. Nuñes, where is your family originally from?

Devin Nuñes: The Azores. They are islands, I think. We are from the north…the north part of one of the islands.

Apricot tree: I believe the Ukraine is farther north than the Azores.

Devin Nuñes: This is what I cannot stand about Adam Schiffs Storytime. Facts. He wants facts. As my hero Earl Fredrick Landgrebe once declared, “Don’t confuse me with the facts. I’ve got a closed mind. I will not vote for impeachment.”


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